Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Locksbottom CC

At last Here comes the sun doo,doo,doo,doo (a la Beatles). Players were arriving in shorts and T shirts. Whatever next?

The opposition were on time which is usually the problem with First Teams. Yes.... that's right we were about to play against the First Eleven from Locksbottom (that well known preventative treatment for diarrohea). Our Skipper had somehow convinced the Fixtures Committee (a loose term) that we were too good for Locksbottom Second Eleven and therefore should take on their Firsts and thus it was so. Let's think about this for a moment or two. Skip's brother-in-law plays for the aforementioned Locksbottom and out of the blue we get a fixture against their Firsts!!!! Words like spread betting and Hansie Kronjie spring to mind especially as the Skipper was 'unavailable' Add to this the absence of the Fixture Committee aka Pete 'Oneton' Fisher and the whole business has more than a whiff of third party ownership, dodgy deals and third world bookmakers!!!

However we were not to be deterred. Under the leadership of our new leader for the day we would not give up without a fight. 11 Men of Eltham would have strode onto the field but H thought it was a 2 o'clock start so we persuaded a passing yoot to play. To be fair he was thinking about joining the club....another one bites the dust!

All in the Valley Of Death
Strode the eleven men
Theirs not to make reply
Theirs not to reason why
Theirs but to do or die
Flags to the right of them
Flags to the left of them
But so far away they could not even walk to them
Boldly they strode and well
Into the jaws of Death
Into the mouth of Hell
Strode the Eleven men

...with apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson

Peter 'Skippy' Swain and Richard opened the bowling on a pitch where the bounce was as predictable, reliable and trustworthy as a Jeffrey Archer testimony. Though the batsmen were scoring they were not comfortable (in an armchair sort of way). Boundaries were difficult to score not least because the flags had been positioned so far away it would have taken an expedition on the scale of Scott of the Antarctic to reach them. Richard made the breakthrough with a ball so low as to be almost subterranean. Andy made a great catch off Colin's bowling, leaping like a leaping leaper with a leaping degree from the University of Leaping (sorry Colin but the word 'salmon' will not be appearing in this report) Ricky got in on the act with a fine wicket and Gary grabbed his first for the club having listened to and acted upon the coaching tips from Mick. This burgeoning young talent (2/1/0 out of 3 aint bad....delete where applicable!) also strongly refuted the accusations of teamate sledging.... how very dare they! Andy produced a variety of spin which was harder to read than a Carlos Tevez contract and was rewarded with three wickets. They included a more than sharp stumping and a difficult catch by Colin at mid wicket. However this was ruined by him appealing. It hit the bat. It went forward at a rapid rate of knots. It was caught. No appeal necessary....der. Apart from a spirited knock by the Skipper's brother-in-law (need I say more) Locksbottom were quite well contained.

Tea was provided by the Chuckle Brothers (alias the youth policy). Webber and Wells pwovided a wonderful wepast which was welcomed by all. It was a huge success with a multitude of sandwiches, savouries and cakes all topped off with a hint of healthy eating in the form liberally sprinkled cress. Well done chaps...same again next week?

Eltham opened their batting with Matthew and Fisher Snr but the accurate bowling began to take its toll. Fisher Snr was LBW to ball so low it would have needed a shovel to have hit it. Mind you the umpire's trigger finger was drawn so fast it put Billy the Kid to shame. H decided to be out twice at the same time (bowled and caught behind) followed by Matthew after a stoic innings. There were good knocks from Colin and the skipper who once again endangered low flying aircraft with his array of sixes. However he was out disappointingly to a shot that was so agricultural it won first prize at the Kent County Show. You know what they say?. You can take the Aussie out of the farm but you can't take the farmer etc. Bill came and went ( I wish mine did) and it was finally left to Richard and Mick (again) to bat through to the end against some of the most ferocious, torrid and intimidating bowling seen this side of the Mississippi.

All in all it was a successful afternoon. The sun shone. We repelled the forces of Locksbottom First Eleven and despite all the setbacks we held our heads high, held our catches and held our drinks. Result ....Happiness