Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Swanscombe CC

ELTHAM SHOCK AS SEEDS LEAVES NUTS IN BARMAID'S HANDS

"Appalling behaviour for a committee member" - Keith Richards

"Derek should be ashamed of himself. This sort of thing has no place at a respectable cricket club." - Paris Hilton

"Any chance of some free publicity on your website?" - Lyndsay Lohan

"All I did was leave my peanuts at the bar. Bloody juveniles!" - Derek Seeds

Events in the bar after the close of play threatened to overshadow what was an entertaining match between Swanscombe and an under strength Eltham side who, due to a combination of illness, injury and holidays were forced to field an inexperienced side against an opposition who had been beaten convincingly earlier in the season.

Derek had been struggling all week to get out a team together to play under Colin?s captaincy, who was deputising as both skipper and vice skipper were apparently on holiday (or, more likely, recovering from the nerve shredding conclusion to Eltham`s last two fixtures). People had been dropping out of the game faster than Ryan Giggs from a friendly international, and as a result Derek now has a phone bill larger than the GDP of several small African countries.

Nevertheless 11 players were found to take the field, although just getting to the ground was the first major problem of the day as heavy traffic on the A2 had delayed most of the Eltham squads arrival. Even finding Swanscombe itself on the Sat Nav System, never mind getting there, was proving to be a problem for Derek and his taxi service. Numerous anxious phone calls were made asking for directions, with both Ian and Pete contacted, after an attempt to call Colin (not sure why judging from popular opinion as to Colin's navigational prowess) had been met with no answer. As we found out later as we neared the ground, Derek had actually been calling the wrong Colin. This Colin had returned the call and was asking why Derek was asking him for directions to Swanscombe. He apparently lives in Brighton!

Now Swanscombe is not the most picturesque ground that we`ve ever played at, however the sun was out following the monsoon rains of the preceding evening and there was hardly a cloud in sight. A good days cricket beckoned. Eltham won the toss and decided to bowl first, with Wouldham took the new ball and opened the bowling at the Pavillion end with Webber bowling from the housing estate end. Both bowled good tight spells, with Wouldham doing the damage early on by clean bowling three of the oppositions frontline batsman.

Eltham were however unable to make any further breakthroughs and Swanscombe began to get on top of the Eltham attack. Wells came on to try and make inroads into the Swanscombe middle order with his array of spin, while Mir was brought into the attack for the first time as an Eltham player. Both bowled well but the opposition batsman were well set and seemed to have developed an un-nerving habit of hitting the ball just out of reach of the Eltham fielders. It was at this point that Eltham unleashed their secret weapon. Apparently in his words "a bit rusty", Cressy came on to bowl and what followed was a fantastic spell of line and length bowling that showed us all what you can do if you put the ball in the right place and make the batsman play. Figures of 7 for 22 were a deserved reward for a great display.

There were several other moments in the Swanscombe innings worthy of mention. First mention must go to Matt Bevan, who bowled his first over for Eltham. After bowling the last ball of the over he turned to Colin and said "Thank you Colin. That'll do me" and proceeded to walk back to the boundary after conceding 18 runs from his over. Certainly a most philosophical response to the skippers request as to whether he would like another over or not! Andy Wells sledging techniques were then brought to the fore, with his lessons from the Mick Cohen school of sledging obviously starting to pay dividends. His brilliant repost to seeing the ball despatched past him to the boundary for the third time in three balls of "Would you stop f***ing doing that?" must go down as one of this year's classics. Not quite up there with Mick's "All the kit, full of ..." ? but worthy of mention nevertheless.

Another item we must address in the future is the dress code. Not sure when shorts, trainers and sandals became standard cricket kit, but the opposition batsman seemed to think this was the case. He looked like he should have been playing beach cricket in the St Lucia (Now wouldn't that be nice. Idea for next years tour anyone?) than Swanscombe. Still he was soon back in the hutch (although to be honest he should have been given out purely for having an appalling dress sense) and the Swanscombe innings was wrapped up.

Eltham were set 191 for victory.

After a hearty tea, Eltham set about the run chase. Our walking wounded attempted to patch themselves up, Gary (finger), Andy Wells (elbow), Ricky (back), Ian (knackered from earlier bowling heroics) and Matt (Beer withdrawal) all nursing various ailments. Fisher and Mir went out to open the Eltham innings. Six overs into Eltham`s reply an incident unfolded which was to change the outcome of the game. The match ball suddenly deteriorated. After consulting with the umpires it was decided that the seam in the current ball was coming apart and that it would have to be changed. This led to suggestions of ball tampering from several unmentioned members of the Eltham squad (although if we are going to start talking about ball tampering we should probably leave that to Derek and the barmaid!) Swanscombe were given a new ball and the match suddenly turned. Eltham lost three quick wickets to balls that kept lower than a very low thing (couldn't think of anything to put in here) and suddenly we were 31-3 and three of our recognised batsman were all back in the Pavilion.

This brought Gary and Derek to the wicket and they proceeded to build a solid looking partnership and Eltham looked like they might save the match for the third successive week - the Seeds Friday Night Academy seemed to be paying dividends! On 16 and looking comfortable at the crease, Bill got a ball that jagged back and hit him high up on the knee roll. Only the bowler appealed and the entire Eltham bench mouthed the words "Not Out." However David Jones raised the dreaded finger and Gary was on his way. The sighs of disbelief from the Eltham players on the boundary could be heard all the way back at Bexley Grammar. NOTE TO OURSELVES - Stop giving our own players out to borderline lbw shouts unless it is absolutely plum hitting middle stump half way up. Even the opposition have been giving them not out on almost every occasions this year!) Even the opposition captain commented that Gary was unlucky to be given out.

Now Eltham`s tail began early this week (well earlier than normal anyway), with Bevan coming in at No.6. He looked steady until attempting to pull a ball that leapt a bit and was caught behind. This brought Webber to the crease to bat with Wells; the first time that they had batted together since the Jets game when Webber had failed to make any contact between bat and ball (no change there then). Out strode Webber, mindful of his last two innings and a strong desire not to join the Audi club that Gary and Derek had thankfully avoided in recent weeks. The two entertainers were at the crease (described as such because no-one is quite sure what they are going to do next, least of all themselves.)

Webber was faced with the opposition's secret weapon; the Swanscombe version of Shane Warne (well to be honest he looked like he'd probably eaten Shane Warne). His first ball was however despatched for a single with a textbook cover drive that got Webber off of the mark. Wells and Webber held a mid pitch conference at the end of the over and after much pumping of gloves it was agreed that victory chase was on. Unfortunately in the next over while attempting an expansive drive, Wells got a top edge and the ball looped up to a waiting fielder. The Eltham players on the sidelines dived for cover in all directions as Wells came off. His bat was launched into the air in anger and we are pleased to announce that Andy is now the Javelin World Record Holder!

Dave Jones came to the crease and Webber realised that quick singles were now not going to be an option. Jones was however under instructions to rotate the strike with quick singles (we only needed about 11 runs an over to win at this point). He called for a quick single that was nearly as bad as this author's call down at Churchleigh that ran out Adam. Webber was virtually run out before he was halfway down the pitch, however thankfully the keeper spilled the ball and Webber made a full length dive a la Cristiano Ronaldo in the oppositions penalty area and made his ground.

His luck was however short lived as in the next over he was clean bowled. Andy Redman soon followed Webber back to the Pavilion after being out lbw and Jones followed soon afterwards. Eltham`s innings as concluded on 115. Eltham were defeated but not disgraced.

And so to the bar after the game where we went to drown our sorrows. Copious amounts of alcohol were provided (well for those of us that could drink it anyway!), and everyone seemed fairly philosophical about the outcome of the days events. Now either the sun or the drink got to Derek, for after a single glass of white wine he was reported to have left the barmaid holding his nuts at the bar. Better not let the wife know Derek or she might not let us use the lawnmower to mow the wicket next year!

As a footnote, we found a bat in the kitbag that appeared to have been on holiday with Ray as it has a tan about as outrageous as his. The Duke returns next week!

Reporting: Ricky "not on an Audi" Webber