Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Sway CC

Will Bisley will be providing a report for this match, which was played in glorious weather against a very nice opposition (including an interesting player they had somehow managed to pick up at the local Tesco store the previous week!) Plenty of fines were dished out at the end of the game in the pub, most of them fully deserved.

Photos will be available following the end of the tour - including one of Mr Page attempting to bite the head off Amelia the Duck in an Ozzy Osbourne manner, much to the concern of Lucy Wouldham!

First game on tour 2009, the sun was shining and there were no clouds in the sky, what more could one ask for? A game of cricket perhaps? Fortunately this year, this is exactly what we got. Sway CC were the opposition and what a lovely fixture it turned out to be.

The Eltham players and entourage arrived in exceptionally good time, and had clearly been expecting a struggle to find the ground, shockingly this proved not to be a problem for anyone. Mr and Mrs Splinters arrived without a puncture, Asjad arrived with one wheel trim (although rumour has it securely fastened), Tan arrived with his family in his new SPV (single purpose vehicle), Richard was staring up at the sky looking for rain bearing clouds, the Coach much too Nancy?s dismay was repacking his kitbag for the 72nd time that day and the Swain?s car limped into the car park looking like a support vehicle for the Tour de France.

After a couple of pitch inspections, and an impromptu net session where it was discovered that Skippy couldn?t bowl whilst holding Amelia in one arm (his daughter not the duck...) much to the disgust of Wouldham and Splinters who proceeded to show that one arm bowling could indeed be *accurate*. After this debacle the opposition arrived and were shocked to see the volume of Eltham WAGS and kids, and were immediately concerned that they didn?t have enough for tea! Rumour has it they were actually more concerned by the site and reputation of a certain Welshman.

Enough waffle, onto the Cricket. Skippy won the toss, and put Sway in to bat, this proved to be the last thing Eltham won that day.

Eltham opened up with Tan and Richard, who both bowled well and were very unfortunate not to take any wickets. Both batsmen were on good form, but did have a slice of lady luck with them, as each time the ball went in the air, it landed between two or even three Eltham fielders! Andy Redman was keeping the run rate down with some fantastic acrobatics (aptly named the tumbleweed by Chloe Fisher). Despite a change of bowling bringing Wouldham and Pete Fisher to try and get the decisive breakthrough, luck and dropped catches were still preventing Eltham from getting that much desired wicket.

Eventually after both How and Hall had got their fifties, Sway very sportingly retired both batsmen, much to the relief of the Eltham bowlers and fielders! This sporting move paved the way for the floodgates to open with Pete Fisher taking the first wicket on tour, and Colin taking the first catch (a combination that later cost them both in fines). Colin next over trapped Stan leg before, with Trigger Bevan obliging and suffering friction burns due to the speed of his finger. The Fish continued to toil away, and took another three wickets too finish with 4-39. Unfortunately these wickets brought Sway?s latest signing to the crease. N Attapattu was reportedly spotted in the local Tesco?s wearing full on Sri Lankan one day gear, and was apparently seen playing a rather delicate looking cut shot with a fresh baguette. The Sway official was so moved by such a fine looking shot played only with baked goods that he moved to sign him up on the spot.

This cost Eltham dearly with Attapattu and Marshall taking advantage of some over pitched deliveries and dispatching Derek for several maximums. Eventually Attapattu holed out to Colin at long off from Derek's bowling. Skippy was meanwhile keeping things a bit tighter at the other end. After 38 over?s of warming up Matt ?Brad? Bulpitt finally wore the skipper down and was given the final over from the non pavilion end. The change proved effective, as Bulpers brought an end to Marshalls mixed innings, and caught him off of his own bowling, with Sway finishing on 212 for 7.

A fine tea was had by all, and seemed to spread around to all who wanted, despite Sway?s earlier concerns.

Eltham opened up with Mir and Splinters, the famous Chalk and Cheese combination that had some success last season. Both batsmen got off the mark, much to Redman?s disappointment being the current owner of Amelia (the duck, not Swain). With the score on 10, Splinters latched onto a shorter delivery, and could be seen admiring his fine pull shot rocket into the hands of Attapattu, diving acrobatically like a whale breaching out of the water...

Bulpitt and Mir continued to push the score up, before Bulpitt was given out with a rather dubious LBW, and boy oh boy did he show his displeasure for the decision! Attapattu was the bowler and his appealing style was rather like that of our very own Imran (if it touches the batsmen it must therefore be out) Asjad and Colin continued together, with Colin struggling to understand Asjad?s non communicative style of running between the wickets, which your faith correspondent has adapted to over the last year! Asjad eventually was caught and bowled by Thistleton. This paved the way for Fisher to join his ex roommate to push the score along and make Sway?s total of 212 still look achievable. Wouldham eventually holed out to the safe hands of Attapattu, the fish was stumped, and not for the last time on tour either! Making way for Messrs Bill and Page, Gary proceeded to notch up a patient and sterling 11 not out, whereas Richard decided to drive the ball and any fielders in the way to the boundary. Unfortunately for Richard, this tactic didn?t work so well, and he only moved the fielder back about 2 yards and one testicle closer to the boundary. Next over Richard tried to do the same thing again, only a bit harder and missed the ball, and was needless to say bowled. The good news is that the waft of air from the swinging blade blew an upcoming cold front of course, and left us with brilliant weather for the rest of tour!! Scorchio! The even better news as far as Redman and Splinters were concerned, was that Richard had got a duck, joining them in Amelia the Duck?s hall of fame. Page was later heard saying "I've just realised I?ve got to have my picture taken with that f*$king duck", he was then fined for using foul language.

Skippy was next to the middle and again adopted his traditional and patient approach by not hitting the first ball for six. He was promptly out and bowled for 4, The Coach was the next man in and was bowled for 8. Andy "leap like a salmon, face like a bee" Redman was next in, and was clearly worried about joining Richard in the gallery, so took a quick single off of his first ball, much to the horror of Gary Bill, who was very nearly run out. With the celebrations going on at the other end, you'd have thought Gillingham had just got promoted... Redder's finished off 7 not out, with Eltham 154 for 8 and losing their first game of the 2009 season.

A multitude of fines were handed out, almost wiping out the credit crunch single handed.

Over and out Wil.I.AM Splinters