Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Old Alleynians Honor Oak CC

Welcome fans of Eltham cricket, its TaffyBoyo reporting once again on the game of Old Alleynians & Honor Oak v Eltham.

Today's report contains more drama than a Christmas episode of Eastenders. An early one o'clock start saw Eltham struggling with only nine men to take the field, as Colin and Tan were nowhere to be seen. Had Colin had a Neil Cowland previous-night special of spaghetti and sex, and was snoozing happily with a job well done? And had Tan's Mickey Mouse alarm clock not gone off? Maybe both could make use of the Chairman's new carriage clock, after announcing his retirement from work (Poor Lesley!)

With no opening bowler, BatBull did everything possible to catch the Skipperoo's eye to get an opening bowler slot - arm rotations, practice run ups to name just a few. Also with Colin the Joker not there to do the wicket keeping, Skipperoo called upon Asjad to keep wicket. Batbull got the nod and he and Skipperoo opened the bowling with a lovely opening salvo. Batbull thought he had taken the first wicket with a superb low caught and bowled, but the oppo opener just like Peggy Mitchell wasn't going to leave the square and claimed he hit the ball into the ground, to the dismay and shock of the Eltham players. Meanwhile at the other end Skipperoo was keeping Asjad on his toes with a couple of rippers and a few wide balls (we'll talk more about balls later on).

Suddenly Skipperoo came up with the goods and bagged two wickets in two overs with Asjad gobbling up both. TaffyBoyo caught another, a bullet at point which could have spoilt that prettiest of faces; and the Skipperoo had three! Within the blink of an eye Colin the Joker appeared. Even thought he was half an hour late, he chuckled something to himself that indicated that in his opinion he was 30 minutes early. And as quick as you could say Mr Benn, Colin the Joker was changed and on the field.

With the Oppo in trouble, and BatBull and Skipperoo feeling the heat, Skipperoo decided to turn to an attack of the Tricky Ricky and Bill the spin. Tricky Ricky, fresh from watching the Ashes, turned to a body line approach and started to intimidate the oppo with a couple of high rising bouncers. (This reporter also likes high rising bouncers! Grrr!) whilst at the other end Bill the spin was getting the batsmen into a bit of a tizwas. Bill the spin soon had the oppo reeling with his heartbreaker ball, which the oppo batsman gave it his all at, but BatBull came swooping in to take a great catch. Tricky Ricky, feeling an opportunity, reached inside his box of tricks and decided to play pattercake with the batsmen and the Chairman. The Chairman held his nerve (and concentration) to snap up the next wicket. Bill the spin replied with so many hostile spin balls that a UN peace keeping force were nearly called in. He eventually got his next wicket - a breaking, counterattacking, sidesplitting, or dare I mention a grasscutting low ball!

While Bill the spin was engulfed in shenanigans of spin warfare, Tan arrived - Mickey Mouse had awakened him but a little late. Tan arrived on the field a little bit still later having taken an age to get changed and made sure he was ready for any Daz commercial that may have been filming nearby. However within moments Tan watched a ball breeze through his hands (Maybe he was thinking of making a commercial with Febreeze). The oppo started to build a decent partnership and Skipperoo decided to call upon the pace attack of Tan and the deceptive aerial spin of the Coach.

After a warm up over to get his shoulders in the zone, The Coach started a reign of aerial bombardment the Luftwaffe would have been proud of. Suddenly, Coach unleashed his screaming Stuka ball, which came out of the sun and blasted into the oppo's box guard, breaking it, and sending him down on all fours like a French general. After a standing count, the oppo got up and played a few more shots before the Coach nabbed his first wicket with the faintest of edges to Asjad. At the other end Tan put in an over so full of pace the Skipperoo had to rest him to ensure the oppo's safety.

To his shock Taffy Boyo was called into the attack alongside the Coach. Hopefully it would be better than his Britney Spears fielding (Oops I've misfielded again). Coach and Taffy Boyo kept the run rate low and finally Coach got his second wicket. A big pull was caught superbly on the run by Pete Fisher using all his experience on the bumpy ground. A few overs later and Taffy Boyo got a wicket by using the seam, clipping the leg stump of the promising youngster, after Coach had earlier given him advice to bowl one seam ball an over. Colin the Joker finally dismissed the oppo with the loudest lbw shout in the history of the game. Great work by the Eltham boys.

Tea was top notch, with this reporter especially enjoying the ham and egg sandwiches and the cheese and pineapple on a stick. However Pete Fisher had stolen the moment on him and had taken the last jam doughnut. Damn that man!

Eltham opened the batting with a brusque pace, with Pete Fisher sending the ball for successive boundaries and was soon piling on the runs. Colin the Joker soon got into his stride and also started nicking some runs and the opening partnership was gathering pace. Batbull who was keeping the book up to date, then put the curse on Pete Fisher, as he realised that Pete Fisher was on 49 and called all the boys in to give him his ovation. No sooner as he called the boys, Pete was out on 49. Thanks Matt! Meanwhile out in the field, the oppo were chirping louder than the bloody parakeets outside TaffyBoyo's bedroom at 6.30am in the morning! In stepped Tanveer and he hit two beautiful fours and nicked a couple of singles. There followed a remarkable shot by Tan who chopped the ball over his stumps. "Bet you can't do that again!" chirped the chuntering bowler. Tan promptly played the same shot immediately to great mirth from his teammates, and followed it up a third and last time with an angelic smile on his face. "I think we've proved he could" chirped back Colin the Joker. The oppo once again chirped up when the Chairman did not give an lbw on Tan. Unfortunately a few balls later Tan was out and it seemed the fun had ended!

But hold on! TaffyBoyo came in at number four and was asked by the umpire if he wanted a guard. TaffyBoyo replied that he had a guard covering his vital organ, thank you very much (his mother didn't raise no fool!) After seeing off the first ball TaffyBoyo spooned the second to the bowler, and it looked like Amelia time but to his delight the youngster droped the dolly and TaffyBoyo was off the mark. Following the quck demise of the Joker, who had chirped himself out, as ever Asjad needed to be reigned in with his calling. A great edge, looked to have given TaffyBoyo two runs but to his horror the Chairman signalled a short run (Should have gone to specsavers!). A few balls later TaffyBoyo was caught trying to pull one and in came the Coach.

Asjad and the Coach saw Eltham home to the victory, with Coach out hitting Asjad with what can only be described as tantalising cover drive, splitting the fielders on the boundary. BatBull, who at the present time was very pleased with himself for keeping an accurate scorebook was called upon to do his manly duties when his daughter's kite got stuck in a tree. Unfortunately due to his superhuman strength, he broke the kite's string and his daughter's heart. Bad BatBull! Asjad remained unbeaten once again, doing no harm his chance of player of the year and keeping his season average high.

A great victory for Eltham and TaffyBoyo awarded himself the Man of the match, for the only player to make runs, catch an opponent out and take a wicket bowling.

Hope you enjoyed the report sport fans!

Until next time!

This is TaffyBoyo signing off!

Your reporter: The inimitable Matt "TaffyBoyo" Bevan