Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Petts Wood Tudor CC

It's Taffyyyy Boyooooooooooo!!! Reporting to you Eltham CC fans from Petts Wood.

Congratulations went first to the sat nav for getting me to the ground on time. (unlike a Tan nav)

Pre match rituals had to be adhered to and a local shop was promptly found to buy beef monster munch, 3 cans of pop, a twirl and an ice-cream, all of which were consumed on the walk home. Plus the sun newspaper (for page 3 of course, and yes she was a cracker 30DD, if I remember. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!) After a cold shower, it was down to business.

The first black spot of the day went to Batbull, who even though he lived the closest, was the last to arrive but redeemed himself by getting an old scoring book for Redders, who left it in the house. You have been named and shamed Redders, Don't do it again! Skipperoo lost the toss and we were fielding. Joke of the day, how many players could fit into the Petts Wood changing room? Not bloody many! The sky, having been blue all morning suddenly turned grey. Was this a sign of things to come?

It looked like an episode of the generation game with Fisher and Fisher going out to bat first. However if was Fisher Jnr who was soon into his stride, getting a Brucey Bonus, reaching his 50 in no time, smashing boundaries to all parts of the ground. With the Petts Wood bowlers still pitching them short, Fisher Jnr was soon looking for his maiden ton of the season. At the other end Fisher Snr was supporting his son well and together they had put on a partnership of over a hundred. They were on for beating the highest Eltham opening partnership record.

With the cricketing men of Eltham lined up, Fisher Jnr reached his 100 with the cheers of his fellow team mates. No sooner had he lifted his bat to acknowledge his achievements, if was back under his arm, as the Fisher and Fisher partnership was broken. In came the VC. Fisher snr was still working the ball around the pitch and unfortunately got an LBW on 38. Meanwhile the VC was playing calmer than a cucumber with shades, listening to R&B in a hot tub, with a bevy of beauties in the blue skies of Trinidad. Tan turned up, stayed a while and went home. Then turned up again! I was wondering if he was applying for the role of Doctor Who or was he the next character in the Where's Wally series "Where's Tan"

Taffyboyo came in and the girls went wild! After a few runs and being frustrated at the length of time the oppo changed their fielding positions, a play and a miss and he was on his way back to the pavilion with an LBW for 10. In came Batbull, who was licking his lips, fancying a big hitting display to match his Babe Ruth figure. Four, Four, Four OUT! Short but sweet.

Next in came the Khurram "The Sahiwal Express". The Express soon got started and was picking up steam, with boundaries all over the park. Tension was high off the field as the VC went into the 40s. However, the Cucumber was about to shed his jigsaw reputation and calmly stroked his way to his maiden 50 for Eltham to the sheer delight of his teammates. Everybody was rather pleased (especially as it was nearly time for tea). A few more big hits from The Sahiwal Express and the Cucumber, saw Elathm post a total of over 250. (very similar in weight to the Ramsgate Rotter, that seduced and took advantage of me, not a year ago)

Tea was good, my belly was full and Pete Fisher Jnr was happy that they also served Jelly. Oh Happy Days!

The run chase by the oppo was a non event, however the Skipperoo and VC combined to take a wicket. The Express screamed so loud for his wickets that it was recorded on the Richter scale in his home city of Sahiwal. Furthermore the Coach wasn't having a great time with his bowling and his normal Stukar diving bombing approach had changed to the Barnes Wallace approach of the bouncing ball. The Coach had to be reminded that this was cricket and to take off his slippers and stop rolling the ball down the pitch, as if he was playing skittles. Colin The Joker, did examine the ball to see if the Coach had been sticking stamps on the ball, as it was being posted to all directions of the ground.

Gary "the spin" Bill combined well with Redders for a couple of stumpings. A complaint of the sun bouncing off Bills head into the oppo's eyes was not upheld. With more dots than the Titanic's s.o.s distress call, the game concluded to a sad draw with the oppo more than 100 behind. Colin the Joker was not too pleased with oppo???s run chase effort. He was quoted as saying "XXXXXX XXXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXX" Roughly translated as "This was not cricket at its most glorious".

Unfortunately, I could not comment on the aftermath of the game as beer was calling me from Gillingham. However, news did trickle back to me by one of my snouts, that the Coach did want to make the game more interesting next year by [deleted by web guru - watch if Taffyboyo!]. Nice one Del Boy!

Twenty20 Final Bonus Report

A cunning plan and with the magic of texting, the Cucumber, TaffyBoyo, Tricky Ricky and the Skiperoo met up the following day for the Twenty20 cup final. Cheering in the blue corner home corner was Tricky Ricky and the Cucumber, while cheering in the gold corner was the Skiperoo. TaffyBoyo of course was in the beer corner!

Skiperoo was feeling confident but tired from cycling to the club, after being in Linda's naughty club, 1-0 in laughs to the Pomms, who were all relaxed having arrived by car. The Aussies won the toss and decided to bat. And before we could all start laughing at SideBottom's hair and surname, the Aussie's were 2 wickets down. Tricky and the Cucumber were giving the Skiperoo all sorts of grief. (It did look like TaffyBoyo was umpiring, when Haddin used his body to stop the ball and was quite rightly given out. You've got a bat Haddin, so use it!)

The more the beer flowed the more the Aussie wickets tumbled but in true Aussie style, they battled back to make a respectful score of 150. Game on!

Skiperoo wasn't too confident and was even more enraged when the cheating Poms shuffled their pack adding three Proteas and a Paddy. With clear communication in Afrikaans on the pitch, the Poms made a flying start. With victory in sight the Proteas collapsed and the Aussies were on the front foot. Skiperoo was hoping that the Poms would do their normal tricks and give up. Unfortunately for Skiperoo the Paddy's don't give up too easily and with a ginger also on the field, the Aussies were up against two angry men. With a few more boundaries, it was Tricky Ricky and the Cucumber who were laughing with victory and began to rub it into the dejected Skiperoo.

The rain came down and after a final beer, the Skiperoo with his Tasmanian tail tucked firmly between his legs, began his long bike ride home. The Poms/Proteas/Paddys/West Indian Dr select XI, had combined to win England their first major cricket world trophy.

Hope you all enjoyed the read. Please make sure you make a donation to my favourite charity, "The Matt Bevan tour beer kitty"!