Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Old Pilotonians CC

The Legend of The Benchman's nuts

Woe, woe and woe again unto he who see's the Benchman's nuts. More of this changing room shocker later.

Old Pilotonians were the opposition, and this was the first fixture against them this season due to the away game being rained off earlier in the season. Truth be told, it wasn't perfect conditions this time either.

The toss was tossed by stand in skipper Monica Bulpitt, someone won it, the other lost it, and the end result... Eltham were fielding.

Tan and Ricky opened up, and both were looking good, although there was some wayward leg side bowling which went quite a long way towards our total of 56 extras which is having a crippling effect on our ability to win games comfortably, and isn't doing a great deal of good to Mr Redman's elbows, or his nutsicles as he bravely fielded a ball (or three you could say) down the leg side.

Tan struck for the first wicket, with a relieved looking Asjad taking the catch. Both batsmen were continuously looking to hit out and finding the edge, but never the fielder!!

Ricky was replaced by Colin's spin, fresh from a holiday with a "titi park" close by. Disgusting. But not as bad as what four team mates were to be subjected to later when trying to change and rapidly evacuate the changing room...

The batsmen continued to hit out, or edge out, but just before Cook got going, Colin trapped him in front for a plumb lbw, not that cook agreed, but when do batsmen ever agree?!! Khurram replaced Tan and bowled well, although accuracy and extras were still causing issues to the rising score and lack of wickets.

Colin changed to his medium pacers and was still keeping a good line and length, although was eventually replaced when Bulpitt realised the only person's attention he needed to catch was his own, and promptly brought himself onto bowl! Unfortunately accuracy was again a problem and the runs kept getting piled on. By this time Farid had got his 50, and Pulkitt was nicely set and threatening to catch the slower scoring and edgy Farid. In fact there were so many edges that Splinters commented that he hadn't seen so many edges in one innings since he had earned the nickname back in his first game for the club!!!

The pressure was mounting, the score rising, the rain falling, the pitch sinking, along with any hope of Eltham making another break through. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Suddenly a distant figure at square leg could be seen warming up, surely not? With only one good leg? With surgery scheduled for the following week? Thank goodness Carol wasn't there to voice her opinion on the skippers decision!!!

But, if I do say so myself (You do! - Ed), what a wise decision it was! Splinters second ball up trapped Pulkitt in front who then tried to flick the ball away with the back of his heel and only succeeding in flicking the ball and his foot into the stumps!! Strike 1!

Meanwhile Monica had hauled himself off to protect his damaged averages and to save having to drop himself down the batting order to far for bowling too much... and brought Ricky back on. Ricky continued to bowl well but Farid was still there and still swinging, missing and edging his way towards a not out.

Unfortunately for Farid, Splinters still had another over to go, and had another trick up his sleeve, the trusty old straight one, which Farid kindly swung over the top of and was clean bowled! Strike 2!!! The rest of the over remained cheap, and sadly there was time for only one further over, and Splints was denied the chance to clean up the rest of the batting order... Wishful thinking, but I'm writing the report so can say what I like!!!

The Pilotonians finished 194 for 5. Gettable but the generous allocation of extras making it far harder than it had to be.

Tea was had, and there was plenty to go round, which is never a bad thing!

Splinters and Asjad opened up, but sadly neither lasted longer as some very good seam bowling was causing both problems, although thankfully they did both trouble the scorer! The lively O'Brian causing splinters to revert from being the hero with the ball to a buffoon with a bat, although it was Asjad who was bowled first.

The reliable Peter Fisher was next in, and again was the thorn in Pilotonians side, he dug in and got set for a big and patient innings. Monica soon joined him after the demise of Splinters courtesy of the spin and lack of bounce from Roberts. Before Monica could grunt or make any noises at all he was sent packing by Roberts also bowled.

Suddenly 194 was looking quite tough! Enter Khurram and his swash buckling and aggressive technique. A quick fire 40 whilst assisting the Fish in making the score still look gettable left the game open to any of 3 results. Sadly Khurram fell victim to an Lbw from Trigger Seeds and his finger of doom. Khurram accepted his lbw with the same attitude and grace that Churchill accepted defeat in WWII.

Gary was next in, and played a few nice shots before pile driving the ball towards the face of the fielder at short mid wicket, who had no choice but to catch it or wear it! Unfortunately for Gary, and his new loan bat, the fielder opted for the former and took a smart catch. Wouldham was next up, but got bowled for 3 by O'Brian who had been brought back on to tighten things up, and push for the win.

With the possibility of a win still on the cards, in strode Derek, with his surprise package of Delboy, Trigger and Rodney all safely tucked away (waiting to be exposed later on). A run a ball was now required, so the pressure was on, unpleasant and difficulty circumstances for anyone unless their natural form of defence is attack! Sadly the required runs failed to materialise and Derek soon departed for 6, and was soon seen plotting what he could do to try and liven things up later on... Oh how we wished he hadn't bothered.

Tanveer was next up, at a rather lofty number 9. He successfully plundered two off the first ball, and was promptly bowled by the second. Ricky "Ricklar" Webber was next in, and successfully blocked out the rest of the over, leaving the Fish to face the last over from the lively O'Brian.

Pete successfully blocked out the over, ensuring the draw, and then had a swing on the last ball picking up two more runs to take his total to 70. A great and secure knock, and a welcome not out to help his batting average even more!

So the match was drawn, Pilotonians were happy, Eltham content, and Derek, well perhaps he was in the mood for a party?

Normally the match report would finish at the point, but something so terrible was to occur, I feel compelled to share with you exactly what happened, and to expose the trauma that was dished out to the four or so unfortunate victims.

Upon exiting the showers, for some reason an unnamed individual (Derek if you hadn't guessed already) decided to stand on the changing room benches to dry himself. This ferocious activity sent all and sundry diving into the showers regardless of whether they had showered already. After a period of time it was felt it must be safe to come out by now as surely he must be clothed, and actually standing on the floor?

Unfortunately only a polo shirt had found its way onto his frame, and sadly a rather short polo shirt at that, to make matters worse he was still standing on the benches. Unperturbed by the traumatised looks on his team mates faces, Derek continued merrily chatting away, making no attempt to add any further clothing, and ignoring the protests and conversation by everyone else. With Delboy, Trigger and Rodney still on parade, and no sign of their standing down, there was a stampede to evacuate the changing rooms, whilst Derek continued chatting away.

In the bar, the innocent victims (Bulpitt, Fisher, Wouldham, Redman and Splinters) discussed eye removal techniques, how to erase a traumatic image burned into your retina, and exactly what was he doing trying to rein act a lofty club platform dancer? Still we don't know, but still we have the fear that next week he might return, and do exactly the same thing again.

We have had the barmaids nuts scandal, now we have the Benchman's nuts.

You have been warned.

Traumatised of Orpington.

Splints.