Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Greenheath CC

Full of the joys of spring, Eltham emerged from their enforced cricketing hibernation (thank heavens for Sky Sports) to take on Greenheath for the opening game of season.

Greenheath? Green wicket more like - despite the hosepipe ban currently in force following one of the driest winters on record. Eltham flouted the ban when some dishwasher pipe was produced from Colin's bag to allow the urn to be filled in record time. Planning or what? If only the Skipper had remembered the sugar for the mid-game cuppa, Eltham could have looked justifiably smug about their supreme levels of organisation.

And the organisation didn't end there. Mick Cohen, who has clearly been employed recently as an extra on "What Not To Wear", produced matching Eltham Cricket Club caps for everyone. Using a sales technique which would have surely got him through to the latter stages of "The Apprentice", Mick managed to sell a cap to every player. The team photo that was taken (see the 2006 season picture page) is possibly the most sartorially impressive in the Club's history - though quite why Alan Horne bought a cap only to leave it in the changing room is a matter for conjecture.

Turning to the game itself, which Eltham eventually managed to do after much preening in front of mirrors and swapping of early-season banter, the pitch looked a little on the green side, which seemed appropriate given the opposition. With his usual flair, the Skipper promptly lost the toss, and Eltham found themselves fielding against a usually strong opposition. "Not today", said John Sawyer, "I've no idea why Woodsy chose to bat."

The opening bowling berths were filled more than adequately by Messrs Power and Swain. George was oddly off target in general in this match - perhaps a touch of early-season rustiness? It has even been suggested that he has an aversion to Waring Park (members with a good memory will recall that he was given a lesson on the art of bowling at the stumps by Pete Fisher at the same venue two seasons ago when his radar went berserk). With Power bowling in the vicinity of fine leg, it was left to Swain to make the breakthrough for the first wicket, bowling the dangerous Woods all ends up with a well pitched-up delivery. Another wicket for Swain, and eventually a freak Power ball (to continue our dishwasher theme) deviated sharply and hit Shepherd's timbers - ouch. George, racking up the fantasy points already, sneaked in with a couple of good catches as well, one in the deep of the wily bowling of Alan Horne, and once fielding at shortish leg off the bowling of Bulpitt (more of that later).

In the meantime Wouldham, Horne and Jones had been bowling some beguiling spin (well - it was slow at least, and it wasn't easy to turn the ball on a sponge of a wicket). Wouldham picked up the wicket of Sawyer, attempting to sweep a full delivery and top edging it straight back to the bowler (at least, it was back to the bowler once the bowler had barged Killingley out of the way), and then Horne got two wickets in two balls to dispatch Liaquat (also known as Georgie Girl for his rather fetching hat) and Eldergill with successive deliveries. Having clearly been paid off by the opposition, Alan then bowled a hat trick ball which bounced so many times it not only attracted a no-ball call from the umpire, but also a rendition of the Dambusters theme from the slip cordon.

I should clarify. You DID read it right two paragraphs ago - Bulpitt bowled. Fired up by a stinging Wouldham remark (Bulpitt: "I don't know whether to bowl myself or you" Wouldham: "Not a very tricky decision I wouldn't have thought.") Matt came steaming in off his full run up of 7 paces. What he lacks in run up though, he makes up for with a slingy arm action, and he was firing it in at the Greenheath batsmen. Those Eltham players who have faced Matt in the nets were surprised to see him bowling a full length - indeed, so full that on occasions the batsmen looked like they'd be wearing the ball. In a spell where variety was the key (boy, did he mix it up!) Matt finished with his best figures for Eltham, 3-11, including a great catch at deep midwicket by the lurking Killingley, and another at fine leg for the knee-knocking Seeds.

Seeds, unaware that he would shortly be forced to become part of the fielding statistics, had a few overs in the meantime and soon found his line and length. A successful LBW appeal against the bamboozled Bertwhistle (try saying that in the bar after the game) was met with joy from Derek.

The innings ended when Matthew snared Beckett - 98 all out. However, dark clouds were forming and the threatened rain was in the air before tea was finished.

Wouldham (seen shaking a doughnut over his cup of tea to try to get a sugar fix due to the Skipper's oversight) opened with Pete Fisher. Pete was obviously under orders to get a move on, but sadly nobody had told Wouldham, who was unable to lay a bat on ball for the first four overs. With rain coming down in a persistent drizzle, Pete upped the pace, but after scoring a quick 18, failed to spot Woods' wrong'un and was given out LBW by umpire Horne. By this stage, John Sawyer was making sure that everyone knew he was feeling wet and cold - sporting a mackintosh and rubber Wellingtons at first slip and shaking like a turkey at a Bernard Matthews walkabout - but in truth, the grass had got very wet, and it was agreed that the game couldn't continue as it wasn-t fair on the bowlers. This was a shame for John Killingley, who looked in good form.

So that was that - 41-1 and match abandoned. We look forward to taking on Greenheath later this season.

Reporting: Colin Wouldham