Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Natwest CC

One batsman, two bowlers - a tale of culture clash.

So finally it looks like the game is going ahead. 11 men (loosely speaking) are ready, prepared and most importantly, available. So after weeks of sun-drenched days, it is the weather that suddenly takes centre stage. I start a sun dance on Friday evening (http://www.crystalinks.com/sundance.html) although have difficulty getting hold of eagle feathers, so I made do with pigeon. By Saturday morning things are looking desperate so I begin the reverse psychology (sod's law) tack. I plan out DIY that needs doing, quickly realising, that as I don't want to do that it will continue to rain. So I scour the Sky TV listings and discover the 20/20 finals day and start to look forward to a day on the couch. The sun appears, albeit briefly and still no text message from Skip so I head out to the ground.

And so to the match!

After winning the toss and electing to field, we were looking seriously short of bowling. Skip takes me to one side, this is it, and I thought, finally my chance to earn some fantasy points. Skip, realising the damage I could do with my nippy outswing, asks me to keep wicket!

So out we walked with a gale force wind blowing and rain in the air. Our final overseas player was given the honour of opening the bowling and Pete (big Aussie) obliged by bowling a vicious half volley on leg stump, which Patel chipped to Pete (Pom) and we were off. Apart from the dead bat of Harris at one end, big Pete ripped through Natwest's top order like something hard and Australian through something soft and Australian (please feel free to add your own gag here). Derek took a cracking catch at first slip at head height. Gladwin got a beauty that hit top of middle and H also took a good catch at second slip. At the other end Ray was tying them down with his mixture of outswing and off cutters, but always seemed to be bowling against dead bat Harris. Even when he did find the edge one flashed into Derek's wrist and one was so well judged by me that I was going the wrong way and managed to kick it towards Derek. However Derek's reactions were as positive as Millwall's defence on this Saturday (they lost 5-1) and he didn't manage to hang on. At this point we were looking like we would be home by 4pm. However, realising this, Skip decided to take off the opening pair and stick himself and Pete (Pom) on.

As the match became a little unfriendly I believe I owe the club (apparently) a detailed description of what caused the issues with young Wadud.

As Pete (Pom) sorted out his field, long off, long on, cow corner, sweeper etc etc, I was asked by the said batsman if I would remain standing up. I replied "yes but with a distinct lack of confidence." "Oh yeah?" he replied, "I bet you stump me." "If I did, you would be my first stumping ever. The only way that I would have the time is if you ran halfway down the pitch" was my honest response. Pete ran up, looped one in, Wadud charged down the pitch, completely missed the ball and I took the bails off and then burst out laughing. Apparently, this was the reason for his distinct lack of humour later.

Anyway, the wickets still fell on a regular basis. Chaney holing out to square leg to a brutal long hop from Skip (this set the tone for his own bowling later) and Persaud being run out by Fisher (Pom). However, the dead bat of Harris was still at one end awaiting a partner. In came Palmer for Natwest and started smashing the ball to all areas. This is what Harris had been waiting for and he duly went for it dead batting anything thrown at him with much aplomb. Suddenly, they looked like they may get a decent total. Skip threw Derek on and then young Bisley to try and get the final few wickets and finally we got the break through when Bisley tempted Harris into a rash forward defensive and I managed to take the catch - just (sack the juggler). Skip, finally bored, brought back Pete (big Aussie), who duly bowled Palmer, agonisingly for him on 48, and Ray got his just deserts by grabbing the final wicket.

So we were set a target of 128 with plenty of time to get them including a nervous period before tea on what was looking a juicy wicket for anyone with some pace. Luckily for them they had two such bowlers and boy were we going to find out the meaning of a long spell.

Omar and H opened the batting and we all sat down looking forward to watch a display of attacking batting. Unfortunately, Omar tickled one to their wicket keeper from Wadud who was getting good lift from just short of a length (no reason that I mention that). I came in and decided the last thing I wanted to do was use my bat so left one that kept low and it bowled me. Will came in and he and H saw us through to tea.

After tea, both Will and H looked solid if a little uncomfortable from the bodyline bowling and the score started to move on. Then Will got a nasty one that he gloved behind. Pete (Pom) came in and was greeted with not one ball in his end of the pitch from Chainey, apart from the beamer that even the bowler called as a no ball (much to the annoyance of young Wadud who kept pointing out that Pete had started to walk until a no ball was officially called). He finally fell to - you guessed it - a short one. This is when we discovered that Natwest had been studying video footage as their Skip said "well he won't be driving any today." Skip came in and decided to take the attack to them, which seemed to upset young Wadud. After one too many appeals, involving bowlers charging up the pitch in an "I might have just won the Ashes for England at the MCG in front of 100,000 people" kind of way, Skip asked Harris to "have a word" as it was meant to be a friendly. This caused much consternation around the field owing to my "sledging" and Will's appeal for an LBW. Net result was the game got juicy. However, just as Skip and H seemed to be steering us to victory they grabbed the prized wickets. Both Skip and H got short ones that kept low from the charging Chainey and Natwest were back in the hunt. Fisher (major) played well before he got a brute and with wickets and overs running out, things became distinctly nervous.

At this point we have to ask whether personality switches are capable as Pete (big Aussie) and Ray began to put the winning partnership together. Pete (big Aussie) started to dead bat and scrape around, whereas Ray started smashing them to all parts. In fact Ray kept nicking the strike and finding the boundaries. With 8 overs remaining Ray hit two fours and we were basically home. He just had the honour of smashing the very tired Chainey for the winning runs.

After the game Natwest returned to their normal "good blokes" and apologies were made all round for the behaviour of Wadud, who didn't come and shake hands but stormed straight off into the changing rooms (I am not sure if he reappeared later). Winning such a tetchy game made the victory seem so much sweeter. Who knows, we may even have a game next week if the weather improves!

Reported by LIAM 'GLOVES' COLLINS