Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs HSBC CC

Sunday. Deepest, darkest Beckenham. Eltham versus the might of the financial world...HSBC. Rain in the air but we were ready. Game on.

We arrived at the ground where the verdant sward disappeared over the horizon. There were covers! There were sightscreens. All very unlike Bexley Grammar where we hope a fat man in a white shirt will stand for a while behind the bowler's arm. They had a boundary rope and no flags. In fact they had enough rope to raise the Titanic. This was luxury. Even the grass smelled of money. There was a nursery and looking at some of the opposition they weren't long out of it themselves. The pitch was looking firm with bounce (oo er missus) and Michael's eyes lit up like a kid's on Christmas day at the prospect of bowling on it. We can only dream of bounce at Bexley!

Eltham decided to bat first and Liam and Colin opened against an all youth attack who were quick and short (the bowling that is, not the bowlers). Liam, out to impress his boss, unselfishly sacrificed his wicket in order to give Duncan a better chance of getting a bat, by putting the ball unerringly into the hands of the long leg (is that physically possible?). Matthew came in and began attacking the bowling while Colin continued to use his front foot with aplomb. Scoring was difficult . Matthew then hit a powerful shot to square leg where the fielder in his desperation to get out of the way and/or protect himself hung on to the catch.

Peter and Colin then decided it was time to fight back. This was a 40 over match and the run rate was God. The run rate might have been God but there was not much worshipping going on. Though scoring was difficult with the lush grass, long boundary, defensive field placings and accurate(ish) bowling they managed to turn slow scoring into an art form. During this period David Jones, who was scoring, managed to write a complete chapter on the former Eltham players between 1927 and 1938 (please no comments about twenty past five and just after half past five) who regularly wore club caps. Eventually both players decided to use the wooden stick in their hands and the runs started to flow. Colin was out for a useful 27 and Peter and Derek began to score freely. Peter in particular was showing a range of outstanding shots and batting well. Derek was supporting him effectively..."There's only one Peter Fisher"..."Come on you Fish" etc. Peter eventually departed on 81 after a superb knock. In came Papa Fisher who quickly equalled his son's score. Well, at least in the units column!! New boy Duncan, claiming not to have batted since he was a foetus or at least in nappies gave a terrific cameo performance and the innings closed on 191.

Tea was a strange affair. It appeared there was only enough tea for us so in true and generous fashion the Eltham players stacked their plates high with goodies. HSBC did not join us but the captain said they had to get their tea from wherever they could. Substance-induced visions of bankers in whites trawling the streets of Beckenham for handouts sprang to mind..."Can you spare a crust guv?"..."Got any stale Garibaldis missus?" Lets get back to reality please! This is a bank. This is HSBC. "Can you spare a slice of Victoria sponge and a glass of chilled Chablis?" That's more like it. Pass me another spliff!!

Michael opened the bowling with pace and bounce (that well known pair of South London comedians). Colin, however, struck first, luring the batsman to nick one down the legside. The run rate was slow thanks to the excellent bowling of Michael and Colin. Matthew then came on and broke up a promising partnership and David Jones bowled a spell of sublime spin which confused All and Sundry, who were fielding close to wicket. Liam then gave a master class in swing bowling (and that was just his hips). He took two good wickets and was ably supported by the burgeoning and promising talent of the wicket keeper. David continued to take wickets and HSBC were in trouble - that's the cricket team not the financial institution for all those heading for the phone to close their accounts. HSBC were too far behind the run rate to win but managed not to lose all their wickets thanks to the efforts of a pre-pubescent youth and his dad. Nonetheless it was good Eltham win.

Next week we go further upmarket. Away to Swanscombe-under-Merde. See you there with your bucket and spade!

P.S. PLEASE SEND ME YOUR CLUB DINNER REPLIES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

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Reporting: Mick "Burgeoning Talent" Cohen