Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Farnborough CC

Would today have drama? Would it have excitement? That might have been the thoughts of Splinters before the game but for this match reporter there was only one thought. What would the tea be like and would there be enough?

And so it was, a beautiful day, a cricket day some would say, and the lads had gathered once again to don their whites in the pursuit of glory for Eltham CC. The day started friendly enough, members of the opposition chatting away with Skippy the Skipper and everyone was in a buoyant mood. However, Asjad was late! Thoughts ran through the Skipper's mind. Had his wife put the blocks on a cricketing day out with the lads? Was he unable to put two children into a car by himself? Had he been to the beach earlier and somehow lost his keys? Had the children decided to sleep on? Just in the nick of time, Asjad and his entourage turned up.

The toss of the coin went against Eltham and they were quickly asked to suit and boot. Out stepped Asjad and Splinters. Asjad led the opposition a merry dance, hitting here, hitting there, hitting everywhere; and was soon knocking on 50 (meanwhile Andy was practising his morse code in Splinters' scoring column). Then in quick succession, Asjad fell just after his 50 and Splinters, having coughed and spluttered to nine, finally got caught. Out went the mighty Bulpitt - or was it BatBull - as he answered Eltham's cry for help. After a tickle here and a slight caress there, BatBull unleashed an almighty Kaabooom! Six! Smackk! Four! Then out of the blue, Colin the Joker gave BatBull the bird! Out! "What!!!" cried BatBull. The Joker had sent him packing back to BatBird and the two Batlets. A shake of the head, a clench of the fist, BatBull wasn't finished yet!

Enter the Chairman, who swatted a few but was soon on his way back under the thumb of 'er indoors. Out walked Bevan with duck thick in his thoughts. (No, not duck in orange sauce, especially after the paparazzi's sensational photos of the shenanigans between himself and Mrs Barbara Fisher at Malaysian restaurant, but Amelia the duck!) Luckily Pete Fish took the heat out of the moment and seemed to be his mercurial self, sending the ball all over the field and boundaries with his normal pin point precision accuracy. It was so good, a band started to play, just to cheer him on. Bevan popped an inside edge and got off the mark. Moments later he had doubled his average. Out of nowhere, especially after the earlier bragging of no dropped catches by one of the opposition, (who had by now subsequently dropped two earlier catches in the innings) Pete Fish was snared and caught in the deep. Now it was Bevan and Colin the Joker.

A change of umpire took place; and it was none other than BatBull. Colin the Joker, started off with his normal forward defensive and soon began to gain the upper hand, with a few cheeky blows. Within moments, "Howwwzzzaaaatttt!!!", went the scream. BatBull returned the Joker the bird. The Joker wasn't laughing. The band stopped playing. The fielders started praying! Their eyes met over the distance. This wasn't love. ("Man Love" is not allowed at Eltham CC, is that clear Splinters!!!) There was a shake of the head by the Joker, and he started to walk back to the pavilion. The Joker was not amused. BatBull remained calm. And all around breathed a little sigh.

Seeds joined Bevan and watched in amazement at an attempted world record for swings and misses. The wolves cried with delight when they blew the little piglets wooden stumps away and off he ran to the pavilion made of stone, as fast as his little legs would carry him. Seven wickets were down and the Eltham scoring rate had dropped. In stepped Pete "Conan the Barbarian" Skipper Swain, who decided to rape and pillage what was left of the time and overs. By the end of the match the opposition were glad to see the end of the "bloody Aussie!" (Coming over here stealing our jobs, impregnating our women!) As his quickfire 50 (off only 18 balls of pure carnage) left the game nicely poised at tea.

Tea was nice. Fresh bread, cake, home made jam, squirty cream and scones. Some reporters are easily pleased.

Tanveer opened the bowling with a good spell and eventually got his deserved wicket after some dropped Eltham catches. Andy Redman joined the superhero characters and put on his red cape to stop some of BatBull's wide deliveries. With 10 an over being required and close run-outs, lbws and stumpings not being readily available on the replays, it was BatBull and the Joker who combined their talents to ensure a well executed run out. There was also a big catch for Splinters and a wickets for Seeds, Fisher and BatBull. Once again, spin doctor Fisher came up top trumps in the wicket department. However Eltham failed in a late bid to get out all of the opposition, with their tail enders battling wilfully until the end. Handshakes all around. A truly enjoyable game for the spectator.

With the match drawn. It was time for the serious stuff to begin. The after match drink and banter.

Showered and packed, the convey set off, led by Wouldham the Sat Nav. Within 15 minutes, Wouldham had us lost. Not just lost, but in the wrong village. A village with no pubs! Round and round the village we drove, like a teddy bear, one pub boarded up, two pubs boarded up, luckily one's open over there! Skipper had to phone the opposition, to apologise for not making the correct pub and not paying the tea fund (job for Colin).

Happy days, we found a pub. Not any old pub, oh no! DJ bloody Talent was performing karaoke very badly. At the bar we got our drinks and went to the beer garden, only to find a skeleton tied up. The film From Dust til Dawn ran through people's minds. Del suddenly disappears! Has the local beauty queen ravaged him? Or is he performing on the karaoke with DJ No talent? With the Chairman and Skipper imagining the worst, Del eventually returns sporting a new jumper. Obviously the bartering system is still in place in Borough Green, however as friends we just didn't want to know how Del came to get the jumper! (I seem to recall a certain Welshman talking in the pub about watching "Adult Entertainment" on a 43" plasma screen - but this oddly seems to have been omitted from this report? - Ed)

Luckily we survived to drink another pint and left with our lives, ready for another week of cricketing folly!

Reporting: Matty Bevan - Eltham Evening News.