Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Petts Wood Tudor CC

There was certainly an end of the season feel to the day as we arrived in Petts Wood and the surreal nature of the day was confirmed when the opposition arrived in rather loud Hawaiian shirts and then proceeded to drop their trousers to reveal equally garish under garments! Where, oh where were Messrs Page and Bisley when they were needed! As the Petts Wood team also had a photographic department to rival our own, I suspect some of these images might be available to view on their website ~ personally, having witnessed "The Three Amigos" (as I understand they are known) in various states of undress, I have no wish to experience this again!

One might have hoped that, following this unusual start to the proceedings, as the saying goes "things could only get better!" Or...maybe not! With the coach and his co-driver Ricky arriving on the dot of 1pm following a tour of SE London, the skipper managed to win the toss and, more importantly, make his OWN decision as to whether to bat or bowl. The pitch looked in very good condition and, despite a very short boundary on one side, the Eltham team took to the field determined to bounce back to winning ways after the "Sidcup experience."

The opening bowling pair of Tanveer and the skipper welcomed me back behind the stumps with an interesting (but not unusual) array of wide deliveries and it didn't take long to draw blood on the left elbow. Fortunately the umpires were kindly souls and most were quite correctly signalled as wides and not the dreaded byes. My somewhat disturbed state of mind was confirmed when, after about 6 overs I realised that I was not wearing a box! As indicated above, the bowling was usually wide enough so that this wasn't a problem but, just in case a stray ball did pitch on line and length I needed an opportunity to return to the pavilion. At this very point Tanveer kindly delivered a full toss which the opening bat mistimed to Mr Bulpitt at mid wicket thus allowing me to address my lack of protection. On my return I passed an aggrieved and chuntering batsman who felt a no ball should have been called ~ as it happens this was not the only controversial decision of the day, but more of that anon.

Having decided that I had probably had enough of lying flat on my face, the skipper kindly brought Mr Wouldham in to the attack to begin one of the finest spells of bowling that I have seen from him and resulted in figures of 12 overs, 7 maidens, 3 wickets for 18 runs. Initially working in tandem with Tanveer (quite a nice little phrase I feel) Colin frustrated the batsman with naggingly accurate line and length and forced errors and catches for John Fisher and Mr Swain (who continues with the captain's prerogative of placing himself appropriately in the field.)

In between these wickets we witnessed another fine example of the fielding prowess of the coach. Having consulted together and agreeing on a tactical misfield on my part (try and prove otherwise!) we encouraged the new batsman to take a potentially suicidal run. According to our plan, the coach retrieved my "parry" and, quick as a flash, he swooped on the ball, spun and, all in one movement sent an arrow like throw that sent the middle stump cart wheeling from the ground. (That is how we both saw it and we are sticking with this story!)

This was to be the second controversial decision of the day as the batsman unleashed a volley of unrepeatable language which suggested that the umpire might have been mistaken in his view of the matter! In fact the umpire was quite correct as the bat had not been grounded.

The Fish had by this time (or round about this time ~ I forget the actual detail as you have probably noticed) joined the attack. Unfortunately Mr Demarzo junior took a liking to his off spin and proceeded to launch the bowling around the park. At the other end however he played Colin with respect but was eventually frustrated into providing another catch for (yes you've guessed it) the skipper. To be fair this was a fine catch and a lesson to all young cricketers everywhere (if only we had some) to clearly call for the ball and ensure no confusion. Tanveer. It must be said, was only too pleased to pass over the responsibility and kindly stood aside to allow the catch to be taken!

In one of our regular chats, Derek indicated that he now felt we could bowl them all out for 120. Unfortunately the lower order had other ideas and continued to cart the ball to the boundary. After an uncertain start C Downer made his way to an impressive first 50 for the club and carried his bat. The Fish, Ricky and Matt all picked up a wicket apiece (oh and the skipper took another catch) as Petts Wood reached 200 for 8 declared. Although, at times, it felt as though the ball was being dispatched to all parts on a fairly regular basis, this was actually a very achievable target and one I'm sure we would have taken at the start.

And so to tea. It was with great delight that we realised that jelly was on the menu as usual and when John suggested to the opposition that this was the only reason Pete maintained this fixture their immediate response was that they only kept us on their list as they enjoyed Pete's bowling! During the tea interval we were also introduced to the Petts Wood duck which, although much bigger than our beloved Amelia, did not quack as Colin kindly pointed out and demonstrated.

As the Eltham team prepared to bat, I found my way to the score book (I know my place) and settled myself amongst the debris of Foster's cans. It soon became fairly obvious that the opposition hadn't realised that I had joined them as they began to psyche themselves up for the challenge ahead. I am sure you can all imagine the sort of "banter" that was shared without the need for detail, suffice to say that, when they did notice my presence I commented that they were certainly "up for it!"

With perfect timing the Bisley family arrived at the ground to see young William stride out to bat and put the ghost of Amelia behind him. Or so they thought. Within minutes, young William had returned to the pavilion without, as they say, troubling the scorer. Actually, the only trouble I was having was trying to see the game as family members of the opposition did insist on standing in front of me! Anyway, back to Splinters (just when he thought I wasn?t going to dwell on his third "Amelia" of the season) ~ the questions now to be asked were: ?should the duck be re-named William and should he get to keep the duck?? The answer to both is obviously no as we have absolutely no desire to incur the wrath of the real Amelia as Mr Swain quite correctly pointed out!

With the early departure of young William (have I mentioned this?) The Fish took his place at the crease and immediately set about making the opposition regret their hurtful comments about his bowling. At the time I commented that Pete was in "imperious" form and that was indeed the case. It was a joy to watch as he took the seam attack apart and he left Asjad standing as he raced towards 30 runs. At this point in time he looked invincible and it was something of a surprise when he was bowled (I think he played the ball on to his stumps but, as I indicated above, it was sometimes difficult to see what was going on!)

Enter Fisher J who continued in the same vein; as I am sure you will all agree, John has played some lovely cricket this year and some of his stroke play was, once again, from the top drawer. Speaking of players who have played some wonderful cricket, Asjad, once again, was now in full flow and putting in a serious challenge in the six hitters league. As I mentioned earlier, it was quite clear that Petts Wood were keen to end their season with a win shall we say. The celebrations when young William was out (I think I mentioned this) suggested a degree of enthusiasm and a similar appeal a little later set in motion a sequence of events that I have never before experienced on a cricket pitch and hope never to experience again.

To set the scene: Asjad was on strike with a fairly attacking field in place despite his obvious intentions to hit the ball hard and score quickly. Tanveer was umpiring with Ricky at square leg ~ (both should have been called in by this time but that's another story and it's all history now!) Asjad attempted to play one of his favourite and most effective cut shots which the keeper felt he nicked and there was a vociferous and prolonged appeal for a catch behind. There was not an appeal from the bowler, Tanveer did not hear an edge, Asjad himself felt that he did not touch the ball and the verdict was not out.

The scenes that followed this decision can only be described as "unsavoury" but I still cannot believe that I witnessed an opposing player (and actually their captain) head butting one of my team members. Although this is an emotive situation it is important that this report remains objective and it is not the time or the place to reflect in great detail on the matter. However, even if the matter had ended there and then it would still remain a serious incident that required further review and consideration. Unfortunately it didn't and the behaviour of the player concerned as he left the field of play, despite his later apologies, was also totally unacceptable particularly in the presence of our families.

To their great credit Asjad and John remained calm and focussed on the task in hand and both continued to play their shots. Asjad soon reached another well deserved 50 but with John on 37 he perished in a similar way to Fisher junior. On reaching the score book he was suitably disappointed to find he had failed by 2 runs to equal Pete's score having convinced himself that he had the bragging rights for the evening!

Mr Bulpitt entered the proceedings and signalled his intentions by depositing the ball in to the tennis courts; Asjad went one better and lost the ball in a neighbouring garden! The new ball proved no more successful for the opposition who by this time had lost another team member who had decided enough was enough. Although Matt's innings was brought to an untimely end (ie he was caught and bowled) the coach joined Asjad and kindly avoided scoring any runs so that Asjad could reach a well-deserved century. Unfortunately, for obvious reasons, Asjad's achievement did not receive the credit it deserved and I trust that this can be rectified at a later date.

And so dear friends, here endeth my report and, as I am unavailable next week, my season. My thanks to you all for your company and friendship ~ this has, once again, been a season to look back on with satisfaction and pride and I am, as ever, proud to be a man of Eltham.

Andy "The Elbows" Redman