Eltham CC

Match Report

Match report Eltham CC Vs Beckenham CC

To the shock of everyone, Splinters was playing and there was no sign of rain! More surprisingly he was the last to arrive simply because neither Tan or Asjad were playing. A little harsh perhaps? Nope I didn't think so either... Splinters was then introduced to two of the clubs new team members; "they call me Teflon" said Adam leaning over to shake Will's hand, but in doing so nearly slipped over grabbing the offered hand from Splinters only to then drop it in the process. Next up for the newbie brigade... "You can call me Al" said Alex, Eltham's answer to Usain Bolt, so sprightly is he in the field, it's just like watching Bolt in ultra slow motion (one person was not heard to say).

It's quite tough writing the report 7 weeks after the event, but I have no one else to blame but myself, so I'll soldier on with inaccurate facts and completely fabricated truths. Pete went out for the toss of the coin, I can't really remember what happened, but lets just say I think Pete lost the toss, and we were put into bat, against what looked a largely youthful and energetic side; one you could say was the complete opposite of Eltham... Although perhaps slightly less communicative when welcoming the away team.

Fisher and Bulpitt opened up the innings against the speedy and young Lennox, and the experience of Payne, with both bowlers keeping things tighter than a ducks behind. Lennox was having trouble with his line, but when he did manage to get it straight he quickly accounted for the wickets of Bulpitt and very soon after Al was sent packing as well. John Fisher didn't fare much better, but he did manage to trouble the scorer's pencil notching up a whirlwind 2. Wouldham was next in, but unfortunately perished for a golden duck as he edged Payne behind to the keeper. Making himself eligible for the primary club, more on the application process later. The quick tumble of wickets brought Bisley to the crease at the unusual position of no 6. However runs have been hard to come by in the Bisley camp, with rumours of Carol even outscoring "young" Splinters in the back garden. FYI I'm not sure how much longer the "young" tag will last in front of Splinters though, surely it can't last much longer. Eltham were about 35-4 and the game was looking to be a very short one indeed, and possibly rivalling the calamitous collapse against Old Pilotonians in the first game of the season.

Anyway, back to the game... Lennox was replaced by Purwar and Payne replaced by Donaldson, another young quick bowler who was getting a bit of movement and causing both Fisher and Bisley some problems with his left arm over the wicket action. It was hard enough staying there, let alone scoring any runs, let me tell you! Fisher continued to score, and edge along into his twenties, with a few boundaries in the process, whilst Bisley continued to attempt to play himself in, and get over the shock of batting for longer than 5 overs. Fisher soon perished for 33, edging Donaldson to gully with a cut that was more reminiscent of a wood chopper with an axe. Swain was next in, and with the score still looking a very long way short of 100 hopes were high that Skip may just bail us out of trouble. Sadly it was not to be and the only thing Pete did was to bale the ball straight into the hands of Seraha (an anagram of Sehara for those eagle eyed ones among you) for 4. Next up was Pad. Pad by name, Pad not by nature, he uses his bat instead. The score continued to nudge up into the 80's as Bisley grew in confidence, remembering that the wooden thing was indeed a bat, and that the thin end goes at the top. Pad tried to push things along thinking that a declaration was imminent, despite the score only being 80-6. Unfortunately he was wrong on two accounts, there was still some time to spare, and in hitting out he got out, spooning the ball to mid off.

Delroy Seedsmeister (no one ever calls him this) was next in, and Beckenham were not just sniffing blood, they were metaphorically bathing in it.. the good ship Eltham was sinking fast with all hands on board, with a lot less than 100 on the board. However with Splinters and Delroy manning the pumps, the good ship Eltham started to right itself, and the scoreboard started to look like there may be some sort of a total to defend in the field. With regular singles taken to keep Splinters on strike, 2's 3's and 4's started to grace the scorebook, and Splinters started to believe he might just reach 50 before the declaration. Some excellent singles were taken, some catching the non striker by surprise, some taken in revenge by the aforementioned non striker, just to see if Del was on his toes - fortunately he was!

McConnell (not McDonnell) was brought on to rip some spin, but looked more in danger of ripping a muscle. Splinters Bisley had previous played in the same side as McConnell 15 years ago at Dulwich Wanderers, so had two motivations: 1st - not to get out to him, 2nd - it would be nice to reach 50 runs off of his bowling; and that is exactly what happened. The 50 was reached as Eltham surpassed 140, a previously unthinkable total. There was silence on the field as the faint clapping and cheers of the Eltham faithful reached the grateful Bisleys ear holes. This was the most verbal the home side got all afternoon, except for when Colin was invited to join the primary club after the game.

So Eltham ended up posting 144 - 7, with Splinters not out on 53, and Derek on a very handy 11 not out.

Tea was taken, and Monica Bulpitt tried his best to disgrace himself, his family and the club in one foul swoop by performing "The Bulpitt Glee Club ensemble". Sadly your faithful correspondent was knackered and missed all the laughs at Matt's expense, so has no idea what this was about...

So Eltham took to the field, still none the wiser as to whether any of the oppo knew how to verbally communicate!

Pad and Pete opened up, and despite bowling well the run rate never looked like being kept in check. Pad took the early wicket of Ford, safely snaffled by Wouldham. However runs still kept coming and a partnership formed between Alexander and Engel, with Engel looking very sturdy and all set up for the long haul. Alexander eventually edge Pad (Pad the bowler, not edge the ball with his pad) to Andy "Elbows" Redman who was more than happy to take the catch behind the stumps. Suddenly Beckenham were two down, and Eltham started to believe they could roll through them and bowl them out for less than 144.

However in truth that was never going to happen, in fact there was more chance of Adam not falling over again than Eltham winning. Adam looked more unstable than a new born baby deer, on ice, wearing bowling shoes. Fortunately we were not playing on a frozen lake, as I fear he may have taken us all down with him on multiple occasions, so hard and so often did he fall over. Winces and concern was shown all round the field, and at least 10 team mates were convinced he was going to self inflict some serious damage either to himself or the outfield at any moment.

Wouldham was brought on to bowl, and was joined by Adam at the other end as the skipper thought he might have more chance remaining on his feet if he was bowling, rather than chasing after the ball. Both bowled well, but failed to stem the run chase at Beckenham edged nearer and nearer their target.

Time for another bowling change as the spin king Seeds came on and induced Engel into finding Pad in the field, who happily took the catch, as Engel departed for 53. Sahara was next out to bat, apparently no relation to the desert, even if I have misspelt his name wrong on purpose!

Then suddenly it happened, after having been warming up for 24 overs, the skipper noticed a windmill like pattern on the boundary. He then felt the cool and gentle breeze against his face, reminding him of sunnier and happier days back in Tasmania. Sadly, the breeze was purely the result of the air displacement by Bulpitts ferocious and sustained warm up to catch the skippers attention!

So another bowling change was on the cards, Bulpitt was on, Adam was off. First ball from Bulpers and the ball thunders through to Redman close to the speed of sound. He doesn't normally bowl that fast the entire team was heard to murmur. Second ball even quicker! What's going on Redman wondered, as he stuffed two 8lb steaks down his gloves to help cushion the blow. At some point in Bulpitts 2.4 speedster overs he bowled the Sahara desert, however Beckenham needed only a few runs to win, these inevitably came quite promptly, and Eltham had lost by 6 wickets. However it could have been a much heavier defeat!

Back in the changing room it became apparent that most of the opposition had left, as they weren't allowed to stay out late with school the next day. This is when it happened. Colin, fresh from showering and towelling down his unmentionables was spoken to by the Beckenham chairman only for him to say "here you go, it's an application form to join the primary club, club policy I'm afraid". Rub, Salt, in and wound all spring to mind.

Oh well, game over, but it could have been a lot worse! Let's have a pint instead.

This is Splinters Bisley over and (53 not) out, just 7 weeks late.